Sexual fantasies are the scenes, people and situations your mind plays with when it wants to feel turned on. Almost everyone has them, and most people worry theirs are stranger than they are. The research says otherwise: the fantasies people hide from their partners are, for the most part, the same ones plenty of other people are quietly having too.
What are sexual fantasies?
Researchers usually define a sexual fantasy as any mental imagery that is sexually arousing or erotic to the person having it. A fantasy can be a detailed storyline you return to for years, a flash of an image during sex, or a “what if” that crosses your mind on the train.
Fantasies add novelty to a routine, let you rehearse something you might try, and let you feel things (wanted, powerful, surrendered, adored) with no real-world stakes. A fantasy is a private rehearsal space, not a to-do list.
How common are sexual fantasies? What the research says
Two large studies are the best place to start.
Justin Lehmiller’s survey of 4,175 Americans. Lehmiller, a social psychologist and senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, ran a 369-question anonymous survey for his 2018 book Tell Me What You Want. Participants were 18 to 87 years old and came from all 50 states. He notes the sample, recruited mostly through social media, is not representative of the whole US population. His headline finding: fantasies are extremely common and remarkably similar across men and women. Only 5% of men and 13% of women said they had never fantasized about sex with more than one partner, and just 4% of women and 7% of men had never had any BDSM fantasy.
Joyal, Cossette and Lapierre (2015). Published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, this study asked 1,516 adults in Quebec to rate 55 different fantasies. The goal was to find out which fantasies are statistically rare and which are normal. Only two of the 55 themes were rare, nine were unusual, and 30 were common for men, women or both. The authors concluded that care should be taken before labeling a fantasy unusual, and that the focus should be on the effect of a fantasy rather than its content.
Only five fantasies were “typical” (shared by more than 84% of people). Three of them applied to both men and women: feeling romantic emotions during sex, fantasies where atmosphere and location matter, and sex in a romantic location. For men, receiving oral sex and sex with two women also made the typical list.
The 7 most common sexual fantasies
Lehmiller grouped the favorite fantasies people described into seven broad themes. Here they are, from most to least common, with what each one tends to be about.
1. Multipartner sex
Threesomes top the list. When people named their single biggest fantasy of all time, group sex was the most common answer, and “threesome” was the word they used most. Lehmiller found these fantasies were more popular among older participants, which he links to a need for novelty in long relationships.
2. Power, control and rough sex
Bondage, dominance, submission, spanking. In Joyal’s study, 64.6% of women and 53.3% of men had fantasized about being sexually dominated, and about half of both groups about being tied up. Submission and dominance fantasies often show up in the same person (Joyal found the two significantly related), and in Tell Me What You Want Lehmiller reports that people tend to fantasize more about being submissive than being dominant.
3. Novelty, adventure and variety
New acts, positions and places: outdoors, a hotel, somewhere you might get caught. These are often about breaking a routine more than any one act.
4. Taboo and forbidden sex
The thrill here is the rule being broken. Common examples are exhibitionism (being watched, putting on a show) and voyeurism (watching). In real life these only work with everyone’s agreement, which is why many couples play them out as roleplay or at venues built for it.
5. Partner sharing and open relationships
Swinging, polyamory and open relationships. Lehmiller separates this from group sex: it is less about a group scene and more about a relationship where both partners agree some outside sex is fine. Most people with these fantasies are in monogamous relationships and imagine it happening with their partner’s blessing.
6. Passion and romance
Feeling desired, feeling loved, being swept off your feet. Most of Lehmiller’s participants said they rarely or never fantasize about completely emotionless sex, and romantic fantasies were the one category Joyal found to be typical for both sexes.
7. Erotic flexibility and gender-bending
Fantasies outside your usual orientation or gender role: a straight woman imagining sex with a woman, cross-dressing, switching roles. Lehmiller found women were more likely to have same-sex fantasies, while men were more likely to have gender-bending ones. Neither says anything definitive about your identity.
What about the “four types of sexual fantasy”?
If you have seen that phrase, it comes from an older research tool, the Wilson Sex Fantasy Questionnaire, which sorts fantasies into four groups: intimate (sex with a loved partner), exploratory (for example, sex with two other people), impersonal (for example, watching others) and sadomasochistic (for example, spanking). Joyal’s 2015 study used an extended version of it.
Fantasy vs. desire: having it doesn’t mean wanting it
A fantasy is something that arouses you in your head. A desire is something you actually want to happen. Sometimes they overlap, often they don’t.
Lehmiller found about 4 in 5 people said their favorite fantasy was something they would like to act on. But only about half had ever told a partner, and only about 1 in 5 had actually done it. And plenty of fantasies are ones people have no interest in living out at all. In your head, nobody gets hurt and you control every detail.
Forced-sex fantasies are the clearest example. In Joyal’s study, 28.9% of women and 30.7% of men reported fantasizing about being forced to have sex; in Lehmiller’s survey the figures were higher, nearly two-thirds of women and more than half of men. Lehmiller notes that the fantasies people described keep the fantasizer in complete control and unharmed, and that they have nothing in common with real sexual assault. Joyal’s team found they went along with broader sexual openness, not an unusual interest. The fantasy is not a wish for the real thing, where the one element that makes it work, your control, is gone. Having one says nothing bad about you.
Some couples explore this theme through what kink communities call CNC: a scene where both partners negotiate everything in advance, agree on hard limits, and use a safeword that stops the scene instantly. Everyone involved has said yes before anything starts, and anyone can end it at any moment. That advance agreement is what separates consensual roleplay from the real thing, and without it, it is not roleplay.
How to share a sexual fantasy with your partner
Sharing tends to go better than people expect. In Lehmiller’s data, 65% to 82% of people who shared their favorite fantasy said their partner reacted favorably, depending on the type of fantasy, and those who shared reported higher sexual and relationship satisfaction. A 2025 study of nearly 300 people in the Journal of Sex Research found that more than 80% of partners responded positively. About 1 in 5 still had a negative reaction, so it pays to be thoughtful.
- Know why you’re sharing. Do you want to act on it, or is it something you’d like to use as dirty talk? Saying which up front removes a lot of pressure. Our guide on how to talk dirty covers the second option.
- Pick a calm, clothed moment. Not mid-sex, not after a fight. A walk or a slow evening works.
- Start small. Share a lighter fantasy first and see how it lands. Trust builds in steps.
- Make it a swap. Ask about theirs. A “yes / no / maybe” list you each fill in privately and then compare is an easy, low-stakes format.
- Accept a no. Lehmiller’s advice is plain: never pressure or coerce a partner into a fantasy. Most people have several fantasies, so look for the ones you share instead.
- Look for the feeling underneath. If your partner isn’t into a threesome, the novelty behind it might be met by roleplay, a new setting, a toy or a sex game.
Exploring fantasies safely
If you decide to bring a fantasy into real life, the basics are the same whatever the fantasy is:
- Everyone involved is a consenting adult who chose to be there, sober enough to decide.
- Talk limits before, not during. Agree on what is in, what is out, and what is “maybe, ask first”.
- Use a safeword or a traffic-light system (green: keep going, yellow: slow down, red: stop), especially for power play.
- Check in afterward. What worked, what didn’t, would you do it again?
- Leave some fantasies as fantasies. Lehmiller found most people who acted on a fantasy said it met or exceeded expectations, but not every fantasy survives contact with reality, and you don’t owe it one.
A solo option: AI roleplay
Not every fantasy has a partner to share it with, and some you may simply want to explore on your own first. AI roleplay gives you a space of your own to play a scenario out in words: you set the scene, the character and the pace, and you can stop or change direction whenever you like. It can help you figure out what you actually enjoy, or find the words before bringing something up with a partner. If you’re new to it, our guide on how to AI roleplay walks through the basics.
Cherrypop.ai is an 18+ platform for uncensored AI chat and roleplay, with a large catalog of ready-made characters (female, male and trans, realistic and anime styles) and a create-your-own wizard where you write the scenario and first message yourself. It runs in your browser, including on mobile, with no app to install. It is free to start, with limits; paid plans unlock more messages, images and features (see pricing on the site).
When to talk to a professional
A fantasy’s content is rarely the problem. What matters, as Joyal’s team put it, is its effect. Consider talking to a sex therapist or counselor if:
- a fantasy causes you a lot of distress, guilt or shame that doesn’t ease;
- it takes over, to the point of interfering with your work, sleep or relationship;
- you find yourself frequently fantasizing about sex without consent, or about acts that could seriously harm you or someone else, and you’re worried you might act on it. Lehmiller names exactly this as the point to seek help;
- a mismatch in fantasies is causing ongoing conflict with a partner.
In the US, AASECT (the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists) keeps a referral directory of AASECT-certified sex therapists, counselors and educators. A good one won’t judge the fantasy; they’ll help you with what it’s doing to your life.
FAQ
Is it normal to have sexual fantasies?
Yes. In Joyal’s study of 1,516 adults, 30 of 55 fantasy themes were common for men, women or both, and only two were rare. Lehmiller found that almost everyone had fantasized about group sex or BDSM at some point.
What is the most common sexual fantasy?
In Lehmiller’s survey, sex with multiple partners, especially a threesome, was the most common favorite fantasy, followed by BDSM and other power-play themes. In Joyal’s study, the most widely shared fantasies were romantic: feeling emotions during sex and a romantic setting.
Do men and women fantasize about different things?
Less than you’d think. Lehmiller found men and women were “surprisingly similar.” Differences exist in degree: women were more likely to fantasize about same-sex experiences and BDSM and to focus on where sex happens; men reported more taboo fantasies and focused more on who they were with.